I WAS A GARETH GATES FAN

for JD

I was just like my grandmother,
phoning for both in case either

would lose. She'd told me she'd rung up
eight times, and each time a flip-flop

decision as who was her Pop 
Idol. I plumped for the young pup

who stammered and looked like cute sex,
and voted the once more. My ex

was indifferent and said both my
Nanna and I were insane. Say

what you will about phone votes,
my nan is officially nuts.

She'd gone for Will Young and for Steve
Brookstein on X-Factor. Believe

me, she's crazy but loves choirs
of stutterers as much as queers.

HOMOSEXUALITY

It is the law of my own voice I shall investigate.

We have taken our masks off, or so we are told.

It is known that we habit dinner parties in Chelsea

and the Tory party conference. This is acceptance?

The reds too will tolerate the odd fag indoors

providing she doesn't raise the prospect of enemas.

Douching is clean! Put on your masks and put fingers

in arseholes and the creme–freche, double dip nachos

and do filthy on the hors–dourvres. Here comes the thrill.

Welcome to the long slide into alcoholism and mortgages

and children.We can get one in Africa for pittance

and raise it as white and straight. God forbid we promoted

our own sexuality on impressionable youths!

As long as we rip out our souls to capitalise

on our lack of family commitments, the Kingdom

of heteronormity is ours. Welcome to Straightsville!

Get pensioned off with an affable partner who received

the Victoria Cross in Iraq. Live your heroic life with a hero

and may your marriage be showered with white feathers.

— Or we could creep off to the shadows, where slime

encourages lichen and silverfish. A single bare bulb

is removed with a rag by a hand that is fresh

from holding a slashing cock and is eager to be illegal.